I Woke Up Like This

For Anyone Who Doesn't Love Who They Are

You Do Not Qualify for Social Security Benefits

I'm triggered. 
Do you know what that means, in general?
It means that something or someone has provoked my PTSD. 
For me...
For some? 
It means entering pyschosis, a state of being where you're detached entirely from reality. 

I often think, "How do people make fun of triggers when they know how frightfully encompassing it can be to enter psychosis?"

Do they even know? Probably not.
Should they know? I believe we all should. 

I've been triggered for a day now. I couldn't really understand what did it until now. That's how it works for me. I have so many triggers, from having so many counts of trauma, that sometimes I can't even pinpoint what is causing me to dissociate. 

Dissociation is like taking a break from reality. Your brain pulls the plug on being present, to avoid the stress of the present, and you seemingly " zone out". For periods of time that can last for hours. If you don't have someone to help snap you out of it. All my life I've suffered from this symptom. I've dissociated my way through school in many respects. I have done it while I drive, making it to my destination purely on auto-pilot alone. I've done it and had men take advantage of my state of confusion. Which makes dissociation dangerous. 

It's a symptom not many people know of, or fully grasp the severity of. We, those who struggle with it, we don't want to make it something big. We want to minimize our problems, like all else. But me? I want everyone to know that when I space out, when I am pausing in conversation and fumbling over my words, it's because my brain wants out. It wants to destress. And I fight it to stay in the moment all the time.

This trigger, as I've realized, was being denied by social security. I knew, I promise I knew, that this would happen. This isn't a shock to my conscious mind. But to my subconscious, it is devastating. And invalidating. And personal. Because my ability to just function is so much lower I fear for my long term survival. And while I fear for my future stability; I dissociate into a depressed version of my reality. The fact that I was denied shifts my reality into something unpleasant, no matter how much I assure myself that I will eventually be accepted and the system will pull through.

Often times; it doesn't. I am also, in the back of my head, aware of this. I'm aware we live in a very, very broken and corrupt system. One that is lead by people who have never had to choose between food and gas to work. As I have many times. 

Being triggered isn't a laughing matter. 

Did you know triggering a combat soldier could throw them back into the line of duty, in a reality where you are now an enemy and target? Did you know triggering me, by touching my head or my waist, compels me to throw my elbow into a person or immediately back off and ask not to be touched? 

The worst part of being triggered is that some people do it on purpose. To control you. 

And as someone who takes a back seat to all my illnesses already; I'm tired of being controlled. I'm tired of people thinking that triggers are always momentary. For me, they last days, and some days I feel provoking one should be a crime. A dangerous, cruel, and inhuman crime. 

But I'm always dramatic, they say. A symptom of having lost my mind to so many cruel instances my brain reacts strongly to even the slightest now. 

Today, I pulled myself out of a paralyzing fit of anxiety and went to work to write this blog before my shift started. This is how I cope; expression. Otherwise? It stays inside. And festers. And soon I won't leave bed. I won't go to work, I'll lose all hope. Psychotically, but validly. I wish even more than anything else that we'd stop using psychotic as a negative descriptor. It is what it is and many people struggle with it. 

We're just quiet, out of fear, that we won't be accepted as the same person we were before stating the fact. I know I have hesitated to tell my truths in fear. I can only imagine how many others do to. And that's why I do IWULT. I want to call out those fears, the stigma, the negativity, and I want light shone on those topics to make them less alien. Less Other. 

Do you get triggered? What is it like? How do you cope with it? Write in the comments. I wanna hear your stories. In the meantime; I'll begin to accept the long journey it will be to get disability. 

-Jillian