I Woke Up Like This #034
What level is your self-esteem at right now?
Like nine! I feel good, I slept in. I usually feel better about myself in the weekends when it's my day off and nobody is around to get inside my head.
What do you mean by get inside your head?
When I'm at work, and now especially, "Oh, you're big! Oh, your small!" and it's too much. I just wanna talk about something else.
Are your nervous?
No, actually, I feel pretty good. But thinking about it, I was more nevous about this interview. I was intervieing myself in my head for the longest time.
What is your self esteem level now?
I would say ten. Feel good, I liked meeting you and the other girls. Fun.
What is your favorite body part?
I feel like that's hard. I like a lot of things about me. Probably my eyes. One of the top ones I'll say.
I wish I had clearer skin, but it's been getting better lately.
Let's talk about your scars, where do those come from?
I have scoliosis. I've had it since I was a little kid, from my Mom's side of the family. I wore a backbrace all throughout growing up and when I was thirteen I was told to do the surgery so I don't get all twisted. I don't think about the scars so much; they're on my back and I can't change it so whatever. So, I'm not worried about getting more scars if it happens.
Do you'll probably have to have a C-Section?
My doctor looked at it and said the bars don't go too far down. I hope I don't need to get one, it's a little freaky.
How has being pregnant changed your body?
It's definitely been throwing me through a loop. My whole life I've been very small, thin. Now, it's so weird for me to grow so fast. I don't remember growing so fast in my whole life. It's not that great sometimes, but some parts I like. I like having bigger breasts. It's good to see all my parts working.
How has your sex life changed?
Sometimes maybe it seems less frequently because things feel different and it's harder for me to move but sometimes my mind feels more ready for it. Other times, my mind is ready but my body isn't.
Has it changed the way your husband looks at you?
No, he's still complimenting me frequently. He likes my curves, they're bigger than before. I feel lucky. I'm glad to have him help me through all this crazy stuff.
What's the biggest pet peeve you have being pregnant?
I don't like it when people just like come up and touch my stomach. Because on the outside it still feels like my same stomach. But also, I hate when people tell me not to lift things, like, "You'll get hurt!" What if I already had the kid? It'd be fine. It's more so acquaintances and coworkers.
Is there anything you weren't ready for?
Last spring, when we first decided we were ready. I got pregnant right away and it was really exciting. But I had a miscarrage about six weeks along. But that was a sad summer. I didn't expect that to happen, I wasn't thinking about it, I hadn't really known anyone who had one. I was lucky to get pregnant months later. With this one I was so freaked out it would happen again. I went to the doctor and I was afraid of the ultra sound just being empty.
About the time of five months, I thought...okay. I didn't expect to be so nervous about it this time in short.
How did your miscarriage make you feel about your body?
When it was happening, it felt so terrible. Like super intense menstruel cramps or something. I was just upset everything hurt. Then there was a really nice doctor in the ER saying there was a million reasons things could go wrong and it wasn't my fault.
And I don't really remember if I was upset at my body, I was upset all summer. Like, that could have been a little friend. I was sad.
Did you end up connecting with any other women who had miscarriages?
No. It took me a month before I even told any family and a couple friends. I've only told a few people. None of them directly had one, so I've never talked to anyone. You can read stories online, but they make you sadder. Eventually, I was just trying not to think about it. I didn't want to be sad all the time, everyday. I was just trying to look forward to the next chance. I like to call this one my little friend. I like the idea of having a little friend with me.
It still sometimes hits me. I was talking to my husband the other day, he reassures me.
Have you ever experienced sexism?
I've only had one or two jerk comments about the pregnancy. This guy was talking to a co-worker and he goes,"Oh, she's pregnant. Does she know who the father is?" The only bad comments are from older guys. He goes, "I'm just kidding" but I go, "Do you say that to every pregnant woman? Or?"
How did you feel?
I just thought, you don't even know me! Shut up, go away, you don't even know me.
Are you a feminist?
Yes. I don't think I've been doing anything active to try and work towards those goals in society but I think if you're a feminist you're proud to be a woman and you can work toward anything you want. I think any goals you want to have, if you wanted to be a Mom or a football player or run your own business, you should be able to do it.
Do it without criticism?
Yes! Without criticism. I can't think of any experiences with too many sexist situations. I'm just used to everyone doing their own thing. I went to art school, and everyone just did their own thing.
Any last words for the readers?
Pamper yourself everyday. I wish people, who I know are struggling with their mind, would do that. You should always do little things in your day for yourself. That's what I do when I feel weird about my body, I just do something to make me smile again.